Sunday, November 09, 2008, 10:50 PM
"aww... come on, i know you had a great time"
"yeah, yeah" *smiles**gives me a shove*
"hey! were near the road, no playing" *smiles*
*gives her a poke*
hey! i thought no playing!"
know, i wasnt playing, just poking you"
*wide grin*
*pretends to poke her again*
"eeeeeeep!" *runs away*
everything went slow-mo.
sounds of cars horning can be heard.
then, a loud "bang"
not that loud, but loud enough to fill me with fear.
my eyes were somehow closed shut.
i prayed that it wasnt happening.
i hoped it wasnt what i thought it was
i opened by eyes there she was lying on the street,
flung meters from where i stood.
she was bleeding
i felt the colour drain from my face
it was a moment where you know you should run as fast as the wind
but when you really try, you feel yourself fall
so i ran, but it seemed incredibly slow before i got to her
though unconscious, she looked like she was in so much agony
i could almost, feel her pain
i called out to the passerbys.
called them for help but no one stopped,
in fact, no one seemed to realise what was going on
somehow, in the midst of confusion,
i realised that i had a phone with me
doing the most sensible thing any normal person would,
i called the ambulance
i held her hand
she was loosing so much blood
and i didnt want to loose her knowing that it was me,
that tiny almost-poke was the one that would kill her
i would never have forgiven myself
i waited, and waited for the ambulance to arrive
every second seemed like hours
sweat glistened on my forehead
i almost wanted to carry you myself and run you to the hospital
then i kicked myself.
cos that could only happen in dreams
or in "the gameplan"
i watched you as the pain in your face disappeard
normally, i would have been happy to see the calmness wash upon your beautiful face
but now, i knew it was something else
i felt your pulse. there was none
i wanted to give you mouth-to-mouth
but i was afraid that your bones might be broken
i sat and wept.
the ambulance came not long later
i heard the words i have always dreaded to hear
"shes gone, theres no hope"
"theres no hope..."
she had always told me
that no matter what, there would be hope
but not this time.
cos youre gone and
its my fault
my fault
shes always told me
"i want to die naturally, with you by my side"
she got part of her wish
she did die with me by her side
only that i was the cause of her death
the earth seemed to crumble and crash all around me
when she left,
she took my soul away
i could feel no joy, no hope,
only pain, remorse, regret, anger.
i lived for her.
she died because of me
it didnt have to end this way.
i realised.
if shes dead,
i dont want to live
i took the lift up to te highest floor
stepped out
and began walking towards the ledge
before i did it,
i remembered her face
one last time
the sweet, sweet smile
i was happy to die.
perhaps i could meet her
i took a step forward
i dont know what happened after that
cos i woke up
and i found myself crying.
i dont know why
the reality of it all.
seemed very real
anyway
this was so scary in many different levels.
